Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods, As Told in Classified Ads

This entry is part 5 of 5 in the series Crusader Kings II game diary, by Rachel McFadden

crusaderkingsii_the_old_gods_image_1

 

Not a Review

 

For sale: 1 longboat fleet. 1 careful owner. 5,670 miles on the clock. Used for raiding around the Russ. No damage, good insurance record. Has provided years of joy and much treasure, sale by necessity only. Owner converted to Christianity so raiding no longer possible. All reasonable offers considered.

 

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Hello good friend. I am King of Mercia, most Excellent Eadward the Bearded, and you help I am nedding. My Kingdom which is of Mercia being conquered by Vikings unJustly and against wishes of my own loving good people who like me their King in bad coup of conquests. I have large treasury (10,000,000 gold bits of pure gold) which i need to Trangsfer out of country without border taxes or being stealed by naughty People. You help me now and I make you Rich by giving you generous share of my large treaserary (10,000,000 coin in g0ld) being worth 10%. You ‘ll be a Rich man. All you need to do to Help me is send by fastest carrier pigeon your treasury key and guard passwords so that i can send by direct transfer directly the whole of my own treasury (10,000,000 peices of gold) under the label of a Random event choose Gift event choice 2. Then it arriving safely in your country and I giving you generous 10% of total to keep as to make you a Rich man who has lots of monies.

 

Replie immediately as this time limited offer due to Vikings killing everyone and robbing all my country. Remember: send treasury key and guard pastwords by fastest carrier pigeon now for lots of gain! Send carrying pigeons to: notascam@yesreally.co.uk

 

Yes, this great opportuinity for to Kind and great man who help Mighty king down on his luck with big treasury (10,000,000 golds!) due to Vikings.

 

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Rebel with a clue seeks army for rebellion. No experience necessary; however, dedication to the cause is a must as aimless rebelling is no longer permitted. All applicants will be considered. Apprenticeships available for ages 18-24.

 

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Notification of a blot: A blot was held on 23/04/889. 1 prisoner was sacrificed to the gods. The omens were good. Ragnar, petty-king, now has the blessing of the Norse gods.

 

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Old gods for new! Direct trade. Exchange your tired old pagan gods for a fresh new deity. Various religions available, including the various popular Christian and Muslim models. Visit our multi-cultural prayer centre now, and we’ll talk about God over tea and snacks.

 

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Raiders req’d for conquest of Sicily. Must bring own spear and shield. Experienced app’nts only. Pay depends on success of venture. Apply: Ivar Boneless, king.

 

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Hand-crafted wooden theme interface surrounds now available! Fits all standard Crusader Kings II interfaces. Carved and assembled by our finest craftsmen from only the highest quality woods. No self-assembly required, simply pick one of the relevant characters and enjoy your new ambience. Buy now, and receive your free copy of Old Gods!

 

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Norse raiders got you down? Tired of having your coastal provinces pillaged by no-good nutters with armies that whisk out of your territory before you can bring them to battle and squish them beneath your righteous boot of crushing? Find the high costs of increasing fortifications untenable? Fear not! Doctor Bartholomew has the answer.

 

Simply apply 1 court chaplain to the source of the affliction. With regular treatment the inflammation causing the outbreaks will cool, and conversion to Christianity will take place. Once converted, the Norse will be immunised against the desire to raid.

 

Write to us now for a free copy of Doctor Bartholomew’s educational pamphlet, ‘Curing outbreaks of Norse raiders by judicious application of God: tips and tactics for success’.

 

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Too many heirs? Alfred Dark-Knife can help. Discreet service. Secrecy guaranteed. Reasonable rates. Success or your money back. All work undertaken: any age, any gender, any rank. Bulk discount negotiable.

 

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Apply now!! Great monthly rates!! Apply now!!

 

Got a title? Got an army? Got a ship? Got Norse culture? Congratulations – you’re entitled to one of our special Pay Day Loans!

 

Just acquired that level 2 technology, and need to expand your castle? Want to upgrade your barracks to provide extra huscarls for your armies? Need to fund a great feast?

 

Being a lord is an expensive business. We all know that. That’s why we are here to help.

 

With one simple application, you too could fill your longships with gold! All of our applicants are guaranteed to receive a decision within 2 weeks. No nonsense, no hassle, no waiting – because when you need to expand your hall, you need to expand it NOW!

 

Simply take your army and pillage one of our sponsored provinces! Leave your fleet in a nearby sea and transfer your loot to it on a daily basis for maximum convenience. No need to declare war, no need for diplomatic messing, just Loot and Go(TM) with our client-friendly system for Pay Day Loans!

 

Fill your boots! Fill your pockets! Fill your ships!

 

Warning: failure to keep up with payments will result in repossession of all lands and titles. By taking one of our loans you agree to making our CEO your primary heir. Interest rates of 35% apply to all loans and are subject to change with 30 days notice; user agreement is not required. Collateral guarantee is required in the form of 1 close blood relative. Breach of contract will result in the slaying of said blood relative (Section 4: hostages and you) and the opening of a blood feud against all of the applicants kin within the third degree. Angry locals may form an army and massacre your raiding party. All raiding is undertaken at the applicant’s own risk.

 

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Second son of a prestigious count seeks a court position with a wealthy king or emperor, with an eye to later pressing inherited claims and helping his most noble and beneficent lord expand his serene realm. Applicant is 22 years of age, brave, handsome, proud, and fond of hunting. Has 15 personal prestige, 11 gold, and strong claims on 2 provinces. Please forward all offers of employment to the court of Count Reginald of Rouen, under the header of “Mercenary work which has nothing at all to do with usurping your title, big brother, honest!”

 

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Blessings of Odin be upon you. Courier 5 gold to this address for good luck and blessings of the gods in all you do: Rourik the Holy, court of Harald Danemark. Old gods’ blessings be with you for holy donations.

 

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tech

 

Greetings, great and noble lord!

 

I am Snorri Nobody, and I have invented the concept of purchasing technology levels with technology points! This astounding advance will permit you to achieve wonders within your realm, and become the envy of those still using the old technology system! Consider the possibilities!

 

*Take control over the shape of your realm by choosing the advances you wish!

*Raise yourself up out of the swamp of ignorance one hand-picked level at a time!

*Economical! Purchasing an advance in your capital will permit it to spread free of charge across your realm!

*Continue to benefit from free technology spread from your neighbours!

*Exclusive! Only available to those of ducal rank or above – think what this system says about you and your place in the feudal pecking order!

*Personal! Points gain is based upon your ruler’s stats!

*Augmentable! Construct certain buildings to gain bonus points in a research category!

*Loyalty system gives a little back for those everyday actions! Fighting battles gives combat research points!

*System works under the Old Gods and the New and during any era as long as the DLC module is enabled!

 

Invest just 100 technology points into any category to receive your first advance! No money involved! No waiting involved – your advance will take effect as soon as the points are delivered! Risk free!

 

For only £9.99 I, Snorri Nobody, will personally install my own amazing technology system into your realm! Once upgraded you will wonder how you ever lived with the old system!

 

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Longship filled with Viking pigs singing, “In the Navy!” spotted off the north coast of Scotland. Reward offered for any further information.

 

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That is an interesting post that you make. I am still surprised to learn that my friend Oswald makes 7,261 gold per week with his amazing new ransom scheme! He goes to sellprisoners.com and makes over 7,261 gold per week by selling his prisoners. sellprisoners.com and this discussion is for the very interesting and I am glad to be part of your community. sellprisoners.com my friend makes 7,261 there each week by selling prisoners he captured for ransom at sellprisoners.com.

 

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Action! Adventure! Wealth! Status!

See the world!

Fight the heathens!

Serve the emperor!

The Varangian guard wants you!

Join today – your future awaits!

 

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CK2 - The Old Gods- faces

 

Qualified beautician offers Norse facepack upgrade sessions for only 99p. Pack contains all essential accessories for getting your Norse on, including braided beards and helmets with those eye-guards which look like goggles. Natural-looking fair hair replacements for ladies and gentlemen guaranteed; no need to worry about cheap bleach jobs. Let our blusher bring out your rosy cheeks! Customer citations include “Gosh – young Harold Fairhair is actually sort of handsome!” by frogbeastegg.

 

Strictly no horned helmets.

 

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Wise man Genghis, he say “Buy Old Gods DLC and conquer world as great khan! Play as Genghis himself at right starting bookmark! Sweep up petty kings with mighty horde! Drink horse milk from skull of enemy!”

 

Wise man Genghis much wise. In other games, Mongol horde steamrolls you. In Old Gods, you Mongol the hordes! Wise man listen to Genghis – or end up dead man.

 

This message brought to you by the Society for the Promotion of Mongolian Affairs. Our philosophy is “Khaaaaaaaan do!”

 

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Live concert by the famed skald, Andreas Waldetoft.

Tickets 99p per person. Book now to avoid disappointment.

 

The acclaimed skald will perform tracks from his hit new album, ‘Hymns to the Old Gods’.

 

“I can pillage right along to this!” – Sweynn Blood Axe.

“He’s got such a sensitive side, and it shows in his quieter tunes.” – Freija Fairhair

“It’s almost as rousing as ‘Alexander Nevsky Rides to Battle’ from his awesome ‘Songs of the Rus’ album.” – Bjorn Bjornsonsonson

 

Entry to concert not included as part of Old Gods DLC package.

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The basis for this not-a-review: approximately 10 hours played as a rampaging Viking. 1 human was sacrificed (accidentally), several incarcerated (mostly on purpose), and thousands slain (in battle). No one was assassinated (yet).

 

This article is based on a copy of the game which has all DLCs except for the ‘Ruler Designer’ and Sunset Invasion installed. This includes all of the major, game-changing DLCs like Old Gods and Legacy of Rome, as well as the assorted music and graphics packs. The base copy of Crusader Kings II was provided by Paradox at release for review. They also supplied a copy of Sword of Islam when that was released. All other DLCs were purchased by the author.

 

If this were a review it would conclude with a recommendation that you pick up Old Gods if you have any fondness for Crusader Kings II, as it’s the most content-packed of the various DLCs, and tremendous fun. But it isn’t, so it doesn’t.

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3 Responses to Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods, As Told in Classified Ads

  1. GodsTumor says:

    this is simply priceless, the mongol one had me cracking up!
    only thing missing is a “in feudal russia” joke but all the scam attempts totally make it up

  2. Setzer says:

    Sellprisoners.com really works !!! I was just a simple count with little pay but now i earn as much as the pope !!! JOIN NOW

    Ps: put my name as references

  3. Peter Davies says:

    This is good stuff. Deserves a wider audience.

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